The Lost Letter from Parliament House

This letter was found at the footsteps of Parliament House. Before the letter was discovered, witnesses spotted a scantily clad young woman being escorted from the premises shouting incoherent babble.

However, an unnamed source sent the letter to Five Foot Nothing and here it is:

Tony love,

Remember me? It’s Amelia. I’m at Parliament House now. The place is filled with security guards. I’ve only got five minutes to write this letter and not get caught.

Anyway, I was THAT young lass from the Motherland. I think you said you had some sort of promotion in your government job. I want to congratulate you on that. I can’t remember what it was though; I had one too many pints of cold beer to recall anything.

When I first met you, you were coming out of Bondi Beach, looking hot and bronzed. Those pair of budgie smugglers just sealed the deal. I always imagined Aussie lads to be fit like you.

I’m the woman of your dreams Tony dear. I’ll make you breakfast every morning and I’ll save myself for you. I’m glad you’re not a priest. I use to fancy a priest down the road. He was a good-looking lad. It was a pity he only had eyes for Jesus though. He also started talking some nonsense that women should only have sex after marriage. I couldn’t stand a lad who treated women like farm animals. I would kick him into the gutter and give him the finger.

Oh sweetie, I heard you got a little bit of bad press recently. They said you were out of touch, conservative and religious. A night with me and you can easily solve all three of those problems, I promise. The press also said the Aussies prefer that Ruddy sot over you. Blimey, people here prefer Mr Sheen over a bronzed handsome man like you? Unbelievable! I can’t believe they aren’t besotted about your good looks.

I found the press so biased; I decided to conduct my own survey. I know the media can misconstrue things so I made my own survey to put my heart at ease. This task wasn’t as easy as I anticipated. Some of the people I asked to do a survey threw sticks at me. It was humiliating. Someone like you should teach these barbarians some manners! You don’t throw things at people.

While I’m at it, it seems like people think you don’t have any strengths. Silly colonials, everyone has their own strengths. I do too. I have the ability to down five pints of cold beer in eight seconds. It helps when Happy Hour comes to an end. Your strength Tony dear, is your Aussie accent. I fancy a man with an Aussie accent, it makes you manly. Also, I’m glad to hear that you Aussies are still loyal to the Motherland. Good to see you colonials are even more loyal than we are to the Royal Family.


Before we commit to the next step in our fairytale relationship, please tell me that what people are saying about your views on climate change isn’t true. A lot of people I did survey said this. Please, tell me it isn’t true. How else do you explain Antarctica is becoming smaller every year? Think about those poor little penguins! There is such a thing as global warming. I know deep down sweetie, you believe this is happening. Poor thing, this survey makes me realise you cop a lot of flak from the Aussies. Don’t worry dear; people bully other people for no apparent reason.

I don’t want to upset you Tony darling, but here are some of the responses the surveyors wrote:

Ruth, 71, Mona Vale

I find Abbott a hypocrite. He’s a Christian, but does un-Christian things like condemning migrants for embracing their own values.

Larry, 54, Kings Cross

He’s old-fashioned. He’s a homophobic prick who dislikes change. How can you be a good politician if you can’t embrace new ideas? It scares me that the Liberal party voted a leader who is so out-of-touch with current issue.

However, a few people had nice things to say. Here is one:

Amelia, 21, England

Tony Abbott? That man is sex on legs. You Aussies produce good-looking lads. Keep it up!

Oh bollocks! The guards are coming towards m-

A Sugarholic's Diary

My friend Jane* believes I'm addicted to sugar. I beg to differ. Even though I hide lollies around my room, doesn't make me guilty of being a sugarholic.

Sure, I like sweet food. Everyone does.

7:30 am: I'm busy reading the newspaper. Oooh, sugar! I want it in my cereal.

10:14 am: I'm typing an article for a website. Oooh, biscuits! I grab three of those.

10:15 am: I'm feeling tired. Oooh, chai lattes! I run downstairs to the cafe to purchase this.

12:00 am: Lunch time. I walk to the kitchen and as I grab my lunch something grabs my attention. Oooh, choc-chip cookies! I grab one.

4:00 am: Again, I walk down the kitchen. The jar's empty. I say out loud to anyone who could hear me, "Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?" I'm getting stroppy with my co-workers afterwards.

5:00 am: TGIF drinks! Oooh, I want some lemon and lime bitters with vodka please. I'm happy again.

9.:30 am: Having dinner with the other half. Oooh, tiramisu. Should I have it? I've eaten way too many sweets all day. Bugger it, have it.

Three hours later, I feel sorry that I divulged in so many sugary foods. I only have two packets of Oreos, a box of Cadbury favourites and Pop Tarts hidden in my room. It's decreased heaps.

Oh bugger it! I open up a packet of Tim Tams and bite both ends, stick it into a mug of hot chocolate and use it like a straw.

In hindsight, I look at this timeline and wonder if I am a sugarholic. Does anyone feel guilty at the amount of sweets they eat at times? Oh please, don't tell me I should attend Sugarholic Anonymous meetings!

Happy reading,
5ft0

P.S - Parts of this entry may be slightly fabricated for entertainment value.

* Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

Did you enjoy High School?

Recently, I received an invitation on Facebook that my grade was going to hold a belated five year reunion. I thought school reunions occurred a decade after we finished school. I was wrong.

It got me thinking, did I enjoy high school? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel when I step back through the doors of my high school years in two weeks time. However, I do remember a few things.

I remember that when I was at high school, I didn't have Facebook to distract me. I had Tickle. iPod's were still black and white and I had a huge crush on Adam Brody from The OC.

I remember I was embarrassed that I attended this high school. My school stuck out like a sore thumb compared to other schools in my area. The boys’ uniform resembled an outfit Steve Irwin would be proud of – khaki shirt and shorts with black school shoes.

Unlike other schools in my area, my school had a farm. While most girls my age were too busy stuffing their bras with oranges to make their breasts look bigger, I was milking cows and growing cabbages. While most students came home looking relatively clean, I came home looking like I spent three days down a mine shaft. I had gesso, clay and blue pen marks on my school uniform. My mum threw sticks at me after I committed this offence the twentieth time. As a result of this, I’ve been washing my clothes since.

I remember how I hated looking at myself in the mirror before I went to school each morning. I hated how I had a broad face and almond eyes, and wondered why I wasn’t a tall girl with long blonde hair, with sky blue eyes and a smile so bright, that
could save New York City a huge electricity bill.

My skin had more craters than the Earth's moon. I used any old thing at the local pharmacy to try and scrub it into submission. I would also go to a supermarket and buy foundation to hide my crater face. But as I was hopeless in applying foundation, I didn’t even use it at the end.

School wise? I was an average student - who did enough work to scrape by. My favourite subjects were recess and lunch. I couldn't wait to finish year twelve. I want to escape from all the stupid rules, chemistry and I didn't need sin, cos and tan to navigate my way through life.

Now? I wish someone told me the HSC had the same value as toilet paper. Or that 'real life' doesn't mean you need to be an accountant or a pharmacist to have a steady income and pay the mortgage.

After recalling all these memories from high school, I still want to go to the reunion. Seeing what people are up to these days. Who's married? Who's already got kids? All the important questions in life.

How was your high school days like? Would you go to your high school reunion? For those of you who have, what was the reunion like?


Happy reading!
5ft0

Who wants to win the iPad battle?

Last time, Apple wanted to sue Woolies because their logo looked apple-y.

Now, Fujitsu wants to sue Apple because they have own the trademark to the iPad. In 2002, Fujitsu released a touchscreen, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth phone which looks like this:


It looks like Apple's new iPad which looks like this:


Like most people, I didn't know Fujitsu created an iPad. They even wanted to trademark the iPad name in 2003, but this was suspended at the U.S Patent and Trademark office because ANOTHER company wanted to register this name. This company was Mag-Tek. They wanted to register the name in 2000, only to abandon this process in 2002.

Even a Canadian company invented the breast-enhancing iPad bra. However, I've searched the interweb and I couldn't find the images to this.

Since none of them actually own the iPad trademark, I predict this case would go bust. Compared to what's happening at Haiti at the moment, this stuff is so trivial.

What are your thoughts about this?

Happy reading,
5ft0

A New Way of Looking at Aging

This particular post was inspired by watching "Iron Chef". It wasn't the cooking that got me - it was more of the commentating of the judges that surprised me. There was this thirty-one year old female contestant who went up against Chen Kenichi (for those that don't know, Chen's the Chinese Iron Chef). What would most of you think when you hear the age thirty-one? In Western countries she would've been considered mature, or in the modelling industry, O-L-D.

Here? They called this thirty-one year old female contestant as 'young'. I thought it was a great way of viewing aging. In fact, in the Japanese culture, you're not considered an adult until your fifty. Their reason? "For the first fifty years of your life, you're learning all the lessons about life. You need to learn these lessons before you're considered an adult".

Different, yes. But thought-provoking. In Straya, we considered adults to be over the age of eighteen, where they're legal to buy beer, get into clubs, drive...all the important life lessons.

If we had a different perception of old-age, would people fear aging? It is a natural process. However, our youth-centred perception of older women in particular, is stereotyped and negative. This is reflected in our use of language, humour and media. Phrases such as 'over the hill' and 'don't be a fuddy-duddy' show old age as a period of incompetence. In jokes - which speaks volumes about societal attitudes - show women as lonely, frustrated and shrivelled up. Even though women live longer than men on average, older men are perceived as being healthier than older women.

Youthfulness is a major incentive to sell products. We're surrounded by media messages about the need - especially for women to stay young. As I said from the previous post, hiding old age is impossible. I'm twenty-three. While it isn't noticeable, I have laugh wrinkles. Even seventeen year olds have wrinkles, but they aren't noticeable. It's normal. We're all going to have wrinkled skin and sagging bodies to mark our old age.

A great example of someone who feared aging is this person. She went from this:


To this:


Happy reading!
5ft0

Y'know how Paris Hilton always talks herself up?

I'm about to do the same.
Oops.

I don't want to sound like I'm the biggest show-off in cyberspace, but I'm so thrilled that an article of mine is published at The Punch.

I was nervous when I walked into 'The Punch' office. My writing skills aren't on par with the journos there - especially with Penbo and Colgo. But hey, I gave it a shot.

I've got to stop the bragging mechanism right here. Feel free to comment on my post - you can agree with me, criticise me, hate me - whatever. Australia is a democratic country after all.

I have to thank Alex at Shut Up Vita for writing out her thoughts about the Republican v Monarchy debate. Your help was much appreciated.

Happy reading!
5ft0

Prince William doesn't do it for me

I'm unfazed with Prince William's arrival to Sydney today. I know many girls are in shock that I'm not besotted by Prince William's looks. After watching a shot of Prince William greeting people in New Zealand yesterday, he looks like a pasty pompous prince with a bald patch on his head.

I'm having a crush on this Prince:



Yes, I admit I'm a shallow person and a silly girl on top of that. But he looks like a guy who can laugh at himself. Sure, he's done some stupid things such as wearing a Swastika armband to a party, embarrassing the Royal Family in the process. Or getting caught smoking pot and drinking in 2002.

But today, I'm here to admire the aesthetics of this young Prince.

Happy perving!
5ft0